Page Selection: Miss MacInternie's Acquaintances / Page 10
VERL, a man in his mid thirties, sits in a chair next to a
small desk in a office. The INTERVIEWER, a woman near his
age, sits across from him and is reading his resume intently.
The room is void of personality. A half dead plant or fake
plant, a lamp and bad art work hang on the walls. Verl is
somewhat nerdish and seems to be uncomfortable, at times
wiping his brow with a hanky. He wears very plain clothes,
not fashionable. The INTERVIEWER is fashionable, wearing
glasses and chews on a pencil.
INTERVIEWER
Uh, huh. Hmmmm...I See. Uh, huh.
VERL
(blurting out the "Uh" a
little too loudly.)
UH,...maybe there is something I
can answer for you?
INTERVIEWER
(looking at the resume,
not at Verl)
Uh...no. No,...hmmmm.
Interesting. Hmmm.
(The phone rings. She
answers it.)
Hello?
(She listens for a moment.
Aggressively answering.)
This certainly isn't the first time
today. I see, I see... What?
Please hold. I'll be with you in a
moment.
(covering the phone, looks
at Verl intently)
Excuse me. I have to take this in
the other room.
(She exits in a hurry.
Verl then looks at the
audience. He studies them
for a moment before
speaking)
VERL
It's starting. And we hardly have
said five words to each other.
(pauses)
You see, um...it's
because...people. Think I'm
strange. Very strange.
(whispering)
That's because I used to tell them.
About her.
(pause)
No. Not her.
(points to the door)
Someone else. Another her.
(pause)
I plain ol' don't tell anyone about
the other her. Because their
reactions range from...
(He laughs hysterically)
Hysterical laughter to...
(He screams in terror)
Sheer horror and then they plead
for me to seek deep psychiatric
attention. The kind that would
send me away for a long,
long...long time. I, who know
myself, do not think I'm in any
way, shape or form, mental.
Flipped out. Wiggie. Crazy.
Nuts. Loony-toony, insane or
retarded.
(pauses, thinks to
himself)
Actually, I have known a few
"specially challenged" people. And
they seem perfectly normal to me.
Very content and happy. But I'm
not to call them retarded. It's
mean and just not nice is what I
was told. But they don't know it's
bad. And they seem happy to just
sing and paint. I don't think
that's retarded behavior. I think
that's rather healthy.
(pause)
I think more people should do that.
I, on the other hand, know what
people mean when they call me...um,
I mean you, a retarded, mental
moron, idiot.
(composes himself)
But back to about those people.
And her. Not the "special people",
The other ones. Them who find
humor and merriment in the...in
what I use to tell them. It just
proves they don't get it. Or get
me. Which is fine. Now. It
wasn't so fine in high school or my
first seven jobs. That's why I'm
here. I'm interviewing for a new
job that I desperately need.
(pauses)
It's not important now.
(catching himself)
But that wasn't what I was talking
about. So...I don't tell anyone
any more. In fact, it's been
almost eight years since I last
spoke of...her. To any one else, I
mean. About my dear friend.
(looks back to the door
quickly)
I have known her all my life.
Well, as far back into my memory as
I can go. Crib memories. She
listens. She advises.
She...gives love and never wants a
single thing back from me.
(pause)
I stopped talking about her to
people. My mother said, she said
"it's cute when you're a kid, but
now that you're 15, it's just
freaky ass behavior, SO DAMN IT ALL
TO HELL STOP IT OR THEY ARE GOING
TO LOCK YOU UP, YOU FRUIT CAKE! Or
bundt cake, depending on what she
was baking that day.
(pause)
So I had to make a decision.
Either I forget about her and never
see her again. Or I don't talk
about her to people.
Or...just stop talking to people altogether.
(pause)
I mean, I do HAVE to talk to other people. Like people at
the store who don't have a clue about bagging your groceries.
Or the dentist. People that you have no choice but to talk
to. If I don't have to talk to them, I won't.
(pause)
But I do talk to other people. People she introduced me to.
Her...acquaintances. Mind you, I don't like all of them.
But Miss MacInernie says, she said...
MISS MACINERNIE
"To be a broader person you have to
open yourself up to all types of
people."
VERL
(rapidly)
Good and bad. Smart, stupid.
Beautiful, ugly. Chinese and
Polish. Jewish and Buddhists.
Mimes and mime-killers. Coke
drinkers and Pepsi...
MISS MACINERNIE
Verl...
VERL
Sorry. Because that's what the
world is about. People. All sorts
of them.
(pause, a very broad
smile, beaming almost.)
That's why she's so wonderful. She
knows exactly the right thing to
say at the right time, and when I
need it most.
(pause)
I can't let her go. Just let her
walk out of my life? I think not!
Why give up someone who makes you
so happy because other people don't
like it? She doesn't bother
anybody. So why this big concern?
I'd just say "If you're not
retarded then, why don't you mind
your own smarty pants business!
Because a mental case would! You
nutter butter!" Of course, I could
have used harsher language, but
Miss MacInernie said...
MISS MACINERNIE
(sweetly)
"That just makes you as small a
person as they."
VERL
And ever since, a foul word has
never escaped my lips.
(pause, smiles)
She was right. As usual. I do
feel more superior now that I don't
use swear words. You poofy
fodgeit!
(He giggles. Then becomes
quite for a brief
moment.)
Except, Miss MacInernie has this
one friend who unnerves me a
little. He uses curse words. Big
Bob. Well, actually it's Elinore
who uses swear words. But Big Bob
has some serious tissues, I'm
afraid. I mean issues! Deep, deep
issues! But Miss MacInernie set me
straight about Big Bob. She
said...
MISS MACINERNIE
That which doesn't kill you, makes
you stronger.
VERL
That's why Big Bob unnerves me.
He's trying to kill me. She says
he, Big Bob, has a strong dose of
self loathing. But Miss M...oops,
I was told I shouldn't call her
that. That if you are to address
someone you should always address
them by their proper name.
MISS MACINERNIE
It's nicer that way!
VERL
She says. I try to keep that in
check. Because I want people to
think I'm nice that way. But
lately it doesn't really matter
what people think. I find that
people tend to let you down. A
lot. They form their own opinion
of you without all the facts. So
being as nice as pie doesn't seem
to get you very far with people.
But Miss MacInernie says I should
never give up. Always try my best
to be courteous and kind.
MISS MACINERNIE
Kill them with kindness!
VERL
And...I...do.
Verl then closes his eyes very tightly, almost as if he was
making a wish. MISS MACINERNIE then appears. She is
fashioned like a demented earth mother. Her colors are
bright pink. She is light voiced and has a calmness to her.
She has a feather duster with her and she begins to dust the
room, as well as Verl. She smiles at VERL warmly. He smiles
back.
MISS MACINERNIE
Hello, dear.
VERL
Miss MacInernie! I thought I heard
you! What are you doing here? The
interviewer could come out that
door any second!
MISS MACINERNIE
I'll leave soon, dear. I was in
the neighborhood and I just wanted
to check in to see how you were
doing. So how are we doing,
keeping calm?
VERL
Well, we're fine. But I have a
problem.
MISS MACINERNIE
Oh! Well, then, do tell. Let's
try to fix this bad boo-boo, shall
we?
VERL
Something has thrown me off.
(looking at the door)
And I can't get it out of my head
and I need to be alert right now.
MISS MACINERNIE
Then tell me, sugar smacks. But
make it quick.
(she goes back to dusting
the room.)
VERL
This morning, at the Post Office, I
was waiting in line to get my Dan
Quayle collectable stamp. The one
where his name is misspelled. I
figured I should snatch one quick
since they've decided to
discontinue printing it. So I was
waiting in line, minding my own
business and humming "Sunshine,
Lollipops".
And out of no where, this old woman
standing behind me asked if I could
stop because it was making her
hearing aid go through the roof. I
didn't know what to say since, as
we both well know, I have that
irrational fear of the elderly.
MISS MACINERNIE
Now dear heart, we talked about
that before. There is nothing to
be afraid of. It's just the way
they smell.
VERL
So I shut my eyes, like this, and
tried to go to a good, soothing
place in my head, like the
McDonalds playland, or Target. But
it was too late. THAT'S WHEN
ELINORE POPPED UP.
(Verl burps, at the same
time Miss Mac covers her
mouth)
MISS MACINERNIE
Excuse me for a moment dear.
(whispering)
I ate a Reuben with extra 1000
Island dressing for lunch and it's
back firing on me like an old 57
Chevy.
(chuckles)
But do, go on with your story.
(She leaves the stage. The
lights then focus in on
Verl.)
VERL
Well, ok. She, Elinore, started to
speak her mind oh-so-too freely to
Miss Mathusala. It just happened
so fast. It was like Elinore just
came out of no where! Of course,
as usual, she blamed me for being
too weak and not standing up to
this senior scum of society. But
she was just this old woman, that's
all. Though it did bother me that
she didn't like "Sunshine,
Lollipops." By Leslie Gore.
MISS MACINERNIE
It's such a happy, upbeat, "gets ya
in your smiley bag" type of song!
VERL
And she recorded that song long
before anyone knew of her lesbian
status. She doesn't really look
like a man, I don't think. Since
all lesbians are miserable unhappy,
'cuz they can't have a man, it's
nice to know that Ms. Gore still
sang upbeat songs and not songs
about being tormented with acne and
learning the truth at seventeen.
(slight pause)
But they are the chosen people.
The lesbians will inherit the
earth. They'll run the military
and the gas stations.
MISS MACINERNIE
And don't forget the muffler shops!
VERL
Oh! Miss MacInernie!
(the two giggle quickly)
So before I knew it, Elinore's
standing right next to this elderly
woman and belting out "Endless
Love". Both Lionel's AND Diana's
parts. Right into the hearing aid!
When she got to the...
(Elinore sings offstage-or
the actual song)
"My love, my love,
my...end..less...l--o--v-e!", Well
you could hear the screeching in
Papa, New Guinea! Then Miss Daisy
took a backwards dive right smack
into the 10 most wanted bulletin
board. Suddenly, like a bolt, the
Post Mistress, who was this very b
u-x-u-m person with three double
chins, came out and forcefully, by
my ear, dragged, um, escorted me
out of the post office.
The INTERVIEWER comes back in. Verl is startled and looks
about the room for Miss MacInernie. The INTERVIEWER is
somewhat disheveled and fixing her hair and adjusting her
skirt. She pauses then smiles at Verl.
INTERVIEWER
I'm so sorry about that. I'm
afraid its turning into one of
those day.
(She waits for a reaction
from Verl but gets none.)
There seems to be a slight mix up
and since I'm the only one here, I
have to handle everything by
myself...oops, I shouldn't have
told you that.
(the phone rings again.
She quickly picks it up.)
Yes, hello. Yes....yes...yes.
(giggles)
I see...yes.
(She then pushes a button
on the phone.)
I'm sorry once again. I have to
take this call. I must seem rude.
VERL
No! No, I understand. As they
say, "Business is business."
(He forces a laugh. She
laughs along with him.
The two stop
simultaneously and go
straight faced. She then
turns and walks out.)
Verl then closes his eyes tightly.
He begins to hum "Sunshine,
Lollipops". ELINORE appears. She
is tough, wearing a biker jacket,
leather cap and smoking a cigar.
She is very butch.
ELINORE
Stop yer snitching.
(Verl jumps. Elinore
knocks the objects on the
desk and plant on the
floor.)
VERL
(not sure to pick them up
or leave them)
What on earth! What are you doing
here?!
ELINORE
Who'd you think gave Miss M a ride?
And...you're forgetting that I
don't take crap from anybody. And
since you don't stand up for
yerself, I gotta do it.
VERL
Not everyone can be "bossy the cow"
like as you. Now leave, please!
She could come back at any moment
and...
ELINORE
Bull, you little piss ant. You
know just as well as I do that you
wanted to be the one blowing out
her tweeters!
VERL
Mercy! That's just not a nice
thing to do, Elinore! Now depart
before the interviewer comes back.
ELINORE
You gotta be more assertive. Stop
letting people walk all over you,
ya door mat. You got to butch it
up!
(pause and gives wicked
grim and points towards
the door.)
Say, she's kinda hot.
VERL
No. Bad, bad, bad! She might not
even be a Lutheran!
ELINORE
Lutheran?!
VERL
Oh, just take a hike, you...
(searching)
Lutheran!
ELINORE
Hey, you stick it, whimpy boy!
I've saved your flabby, fuzzy butt
more than a few times.
If it wasn't for me, all of society
would be kicking you square in the
pants over and over and over..
(she kicks him in the
butt)
VERL
(cutting her off)
I get the picture, thank you very
much, "Miss I'm the controller of
your public interactions." Now
kindly leave.
ELINORE
Kind of an ingrate, ain't ya? You
got hair on your butt, don't ya?
Why not act like it, then?
VERL
Well, it's...
(catching himself)
What? Look, Elinore. It's just
that I feel you could smooth some
of your tactics and approaches with
people. You know what Miss
MacInernie says.
ELINORE
She's just as much a box of pancake
mix as you are!
VERL
(gasps)
Listen, you Coca Smugger loaf!
Don't talk about her like that or
I'll...
ELINORE
(mockingly)
Ouuuu..I'm shaking in my
Berkenstocks, tough guy.
VERL
(whispers)
It seems to me that you have
forgotten how you helped me with my
last job!!!! Customers don't want
to hear that they have infantile
genitalia! I told you that, but
you wouldn't listen.
ELINORE
I was doing you a favor by getting
him off the phone. He was playing
with his boy crank. Look, ma, no
hands!
(makes obscene hip
motions)
But no, you can't tell people when
to stick it.
VERL
It didn't matter what he was doing!
The customer is always right! Now
will you get out of here?
ELINORE
I guess you never worked in
customer service before that, had
ya? People are greedy, stupid,
dumb, self-centered jerks. And if
you don't cut em' off at the pass,
they'll just walk all over you with
their golf shoes on.
VERL
How on earth would you know if he
was wearing golf shoes? He was on
the phone!
ELINORE
It's an expression, doof ball,
albeit, not a good one.
VERL
Well, thank you, Elinore. I do
appreciate your candor and concern
but I'm a grown adult and I can
handle my own affairs, thank you
very much. Now, if you don't mind,
I have a meeting.
ELINORE
You think I'm going away that easy?
That I won't be there the next time
you get all, "ouuu...scary, smelly
old lady is picking on me" or
"ouuu...look mommy,that man looks
like he's going to pull out a gun
and go berserk"!
VERL
I don't own a gun! I hate guns!
ELINORE
But let us not forget the best of
them all,
(taunting, like a child.)
"Verly Girlie, Verly Girlie, Verly
Girlie..."
VERL
(plugging his ears with
his fingers)
All right, now! Thank you. Very
much. Thank you. Elinore.
ELINORE
You know you haven't seen the last
of me yet. I'm always here. Like
it or not.
(She stares at him a
moment and laughs,
shaking her head and then
exits. Verl watches her
leave. He then takes in a
deep breath and composes
himself. He then looks
out into the audience)
VERL
Holy Moses on chipped beef!
Thankfully she finally left!
Elinore tends to just show up at
the most inopportune times. I
gotta find a different crowd to run
with. She just can't seem to keep
her comments to herself. And I
always get the sticky end of the
shorts for it. I admire her
forcefulness and candor, I do,
but...you can't say what you're
really thinking. It only gets you
into nothing more than a hot tub.
But she is right. I don't stand up
for myself. I'm a back bone
amputee. Then again, I don't need
to. Elinore beats me to the punch.
But how come I'm the one who always
gets punched back? Or slapped or
dragged out by my ear? Or fired?
Or evicted? Or shot at?
(chuckles)
Boy oh boy, did that Puerto Rican
gang get angry when she sang...
(use recording from WEST
SIDE STORY,with Verl
mouthing the words.)
"I like to be in America". Just
sang it at the top of her lungs.
Except they only saw me, not her.
And that's when they started
shooting. Puerto Ricans don't like
musicals.
(to himself)
I shouldn't say that, not all
Puerto Ricans dislike musicals, I
believe that Reba MacIntire likes
them!
(catching himself)
But Miss MacInernie says that
overly masculine women, like
Elinore, have a p-e-n-i-s envy
problem and try to compensate by
dressing tough and yelling and
riding Harley Davidson's with their
breasts exposed. But only in
parades. And that we each have our
own way of expressing ourselves and
we do so by dress, deed and
discourse.
(pauses)
And choice of vehicle.
Verl quickly looks towards the door. He then closes his eyes
again and begins to chat a mantra. Miss MacInernie walks in
and is holding a box of Alka Selzer in one hand, an apple pie
in the other. She burps and then giggles to herself.
MISS MACINERNIE
Well, I always say "why fart and
waste it when you can burp and
taste it."
VERL
(giggles)
Oh, my tostas shuglicky, Miss
MacInernie! What a thing to say!
MISS MACINERNIE
A little humor goes a long way,
dear. Besides, "fart" isn't a
swear word.
VERL
(surprised)
Really?
MISS MACINERNIE
Yes dear, it's just juvenile.
VERL
Fart, fart, farty, fart-fart!
MISS MACINERNIE
(grabs his ear)
Ssssssst.
(looks towards the door)
Now don't get all worked up, dear.
(She notices the mess.
Begins to pick up the
magazine and plant.)
So, I see Elinore popped in. She's
a sassy one!
(under her breath)
The big Bitch.
VERL
I can't control her any more.
She's around MUCH more often these
days, and her timing is impeccable.
If timing is everything, she's
nothing.
MISS MACINERNIE
You can control her if you want,
love. Think of her as your inner
lesbian. Your dykey psyche. Just
have to control your temper.
That's all. Besides, sometimes it
pays to be a little forward in
life. If not, then go caulk a
window.
VERL
I suppose you're right. But I
can't have her interrupting me at
the job interview!
MISS MACINERNIE
Well, I'm glad to see you getting
out of your shell and back into the
sling of things!
VERL
I need to pay my rent. My landlord
is already poopy-potty with me. He
says I always have too many people
over.
MISS MACINERNIE
What's this interview for?
VERL
Secretary to the President.
MISS MACINERNIE
Well! Does this mean you'll be
moving to that big white house on
Pennsylvania Avenue? The one with
the swing set?
VERL
No, not that President. A
president of a small printing
company.
MISS MACINERNIE
And you like prints, too! Or do
you prefer to call them "the
posters formerly known as prints"?
VERL
Not that kind of printing. It's
for mailers of adult videos.
Mailed to dirty old men with
extremely thilthie minds. And
perhaps a few women.
MISS MACINERNIE
Oh my! Hot cha cha cha! Huba huba
ding ding!
VERL
Shhh! Keep it down! And I don't
think it's that exciting.
(The INTERVIEWER then
enters the room again.
Verl is frozen in sheer
horror. The INTERVIEWER
is oblivious to Miss
MacInernie as she is busy
writing in a file folder.
Verl then points to the
INTERVIEWER so Miss
MacInernie might see her.
But Miss Mac is too
oblivious with her rant
and continues.)
MISS MACINERNIE
Awooga, awooga! All hands on dick!
VERL
Miss Macinernie!
(pointing to INTERVIEWER
while whispering to Miss
Mac.)
Please! They just print them.
They don't make the videos.
MISS MACINERNIE
Va-va-voom! Wham bam thank you
mammie!
VERL
Shhh! Really, it's nothing more
than a desk job. A nine to fiver.
(The INTERVIEWER then sits
in her chair and
continues reading.)
MISS MACINERNIE
You boys all say your fiver is a
niner!
(she grabs Verl by his
face.)
Come on, sweet cheeks, come give
mama some...
VERL
(cutting her off)
Miss MacInernie! Please, it's not
like that!
MISS MACINERNIE
(calmer now)
Oh, it's not?
(letting go of his face)
Oh my! This "change of life" thing
is a real kicker!
VERL
(rubbing his cheeks)
Ow.
(Miss Mac fans herself
with the duster while
Verl gets up off the
floor and dusts himself
off.)
MISS MACINERNIE
I can't remember having this many
changes since the last erection- I
MEAN election!
(excitedly, change of
thought)
Oh! Say! Did I ever tell you I
once starred in a blue video? It
was called "Bad Girls get their
bottoms spanked when they don't do
what Daddy tells them." I was
naughty girl number 3 in the red
teddy...
VERL
(flatly)
I think I'll pass. But thank you.
(pointing yet again to the
INTERVIEWER)
But Miss MacInernine, she's right
here...
MISS MACINERNIE
(cutting him off)
I'm sorry, dear. I've gotten off
track. So, tell me about this job
interview. What advice can I give
you that I haven't given you
before? Be yourself. Be
confident. Be bright and winning!
(pauses)
Does he have a hot ass?
VERL
(looking back between the
INTERVIEWER and Miss
Mac.)
Who?
MISS MACINERNIE
The president.
VERL
I don't know. I've never seen it
before.
MISS MACINERNIE
It's a well-known fact that
presidents must be given a bit of
oral servicing now and then. When
doing so, I recommend that you
pretend you're in a ball park,
enjoying a foot long and a cool,
refreshing beer. Can't you just
hear them, root, root, rooting for
the home team? Oh, look, it's a
line-drive double!
(The INTERVIEWER then gets
up again and exist. Not
even acknowledging Verl
or Miss Mac.)
VERL
(confused)
What?...I'm not doing that!
But...what if he's sitting down?
What if he doesn't have a not so
nice fanny? Maybe he'll think I'm
a Homo-s-e-x-ual.
(to himself, flatly)
I can't believe she didn't hear or
see this.
MISS MACINERNIE
And maybe he'll think you're a
hottie and should be his love
slave! Karen Carpenter. Arlen
Spector. It's a known fact that
Sly Stallone is a boy-toy for the
Pope!
VERL
Firstly, I don't think the Pope is
allowed to swing that ...oh!
That's not important! Truth be
told, I am not a Homo S-E-X-ual!
MISS MACINERNIE
You're not? Haven't you had sexual
relations with men before?
(confused)
Who the hell am I? Connie Chung?
VERL
(sheepishly)
No, no. You're still you.
MISS MACINERNIE
Thank heavens! Now, dear. We
talked about Holly's delusional
ways before, haven't we?
VERL
Holly? What does she have to do
with any of this?
MISS MACINERNIE
She said you've had sex with men at
least 28 times.
VERL
(shocked)
I most certainly have not!
MISS MACINERNIE
Now, Verlycue, are we now Cleo,
queen of denial?
VERL
(stumbling)
It would be more accurate to say
that I've had sex with a toilet
stall-wall 28 times.
MISS MACINERNIE
And how did THAT happen, sweetums?
VERL
All I did was follow the
instructions on the wall! "For a
good time, put
your...Richard...here". I didn't
know it was a S-e-x thing! It was
a public bathroom-I thought it was
another example of our tax dollars
at work, a social service...
MISS MACINERNIE
That's exactly what George Michael
said, that "wake me up before you
go-go" boy.
VERL
But you can understand my
confusion, can't you? I don't
consider it s-e-x; it was more like
a...a... misrepresentation.
MISS MACINERNIE
Have you been misrepresented by a
woman before?
VERL
Not that I know of.
(thinking to himself)
Unless one of them on the other
side of the stall was in drag.
MISS MACINERNIE
(gleefully)
Well, there you go, then! You're a
doinker-sucking fairy from Topeka!
VERL
I'm not from Topeka!
MISS MACINERNIE
Well, you should be. But let's not
get off the subject of this man's
luscious behind.
VERL
What man?
MISS MACINERNIE
The man in the wall, silly!
VERL
I thought we were talking about my
interview?
MISS MACINERNIE
Oh. Well, we can talk about that
too, if you'd like.
VERL
I need this job, otherwise I'm
going to get evicted. And I can't
afford that. My mother won't let
me back into her house.
MISS MACINERNIE
Why now?
VERL
(resentfully)
Mister Snookels.
MISS MACINERNIE
Well, my dear, that WAS a rather
unfortunate incident.
VERL
Oh, sure it was! But it's not like
I set the cat on fire EVERY time I
go over!
MISS MACINERNIE
Once is usually enough for most cat
lovers, sweetums. And, if memory
serves, didn't the poor creature
ignite the draperies and the sofa
while being "pussy flambe"?
VERL
That darn sofa was over 150 years
old--it was time for a new one!
And Mr. Snookels turned out just
fine--not many kitties get to be
both Persians and Manx's in their
lifetimes!
MISS MACINERNIE
Cat torching is so passe, dear. So
many faux pas during that visit.
Tres many.
Miss Mac giggles and makes Verl uncomfortable.
VERL
Um, you need to run along now. The
interviewer could come back out at
any moment.
MISS MACINERNIE
Alrighty. But just remember. Be
yourself. Be confident! Don't
take any combustibles in with you
and you'll do just fine! And when
you grab his ass, just make sure
you don't dig your nails in too
hard. Some people aren't fond of
having their blood drawn in that
fashion.
VERL
I didn't realize posterior grabbing
was appropriate before one gets the
job.
MISS MACINERNIE
Oh, yes, dear. It's quite expected
these days.
VERL
Fine. Just please keep Elinore out
of here. I don't know what I'll do
when she comes back after this
episode.
MISS MACINERNIE
Just go to that good place!
Remember? Always go to the good
place. And focus. On his ass.
VERL
(hesitantly)
Well, all right then. I'll
remember to focus. But I'm not
sure about focusing on his behind.
It makes some people uncomfortable.
MISS MACINERNIE
You'll do just fine, dear. I'll be
back later to see how things went.
Now I need to visit the chowder
room, little one. Ta-ta for now.
She exits. Verl then lets out a deep sigh. He looks at the
audience for a moment with a quizzical look.
VERL
I can't believe that woman didn't
even notice Miss MacInernie!
(looking back towards the
door)
And what is taking her so long?
(pause)
Now you can see that I'm not really
bonkers. It's just that I have
these people, well, their not my
people, their Miss MacInernie's
people, who just follow me around
and get me into a whole lot of
messes. So now you know that I'm
not a loony bird. Really. I'm
not. There was this girl that used
to work with me at Bound & Gagged
Magazine, she kinda looked like
Barbara Steisand with that horrific
perm from "Star is Born", except
her voice was more nasal and her
eyes farther apart. She said I had
what Jimmy Stewart had in that
movie, TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. That
he saw this big, pink mockingbird
all the time and it talked to him
and to no one else and everyone
thought he was nuts or something.
(pauses and then flatly.)
I don't see big,pink 6 foot tall
mockingbirds. I don't see anything
differently than anybody else. I
don't have hallucinations or spells
or anything like that. Why do
people keep thinking that I'm
seeing things?
(goes back to stool)
Once, I had to go see this
therapist. Well I didn't have to
go, I was forced to go. His name
was Doctor Eugene Karts and he
would stare at me with these deep
knowing looks. It was weird and
strange and made me very
uncomfortable. But what I think
really unnerved me was the way his
nose hairs would move back and
forth, in and out, in and out,
every time he would breath.
So...after the third session he,
the good Doctor, informed my mother
that I needed to go to a special
school. Mother would have none of
that. Her boy was a normal boy
with an overly active imagination,
that's all. But Doctor Karts
proceeded to mention that there are
just some people in the world that
can't be helped. Especially if
they didn't want it. But for the
love of Pat Sajak! I was honest
and told him everything. He just
kept yelling "stop that! Just stop
that now because it's not normal!"
(pause)
Truth be told. I think 99.9% of
medical personal in the physiatric
profession are majorly unstable
themselves. Thank god for Prozac;
otherwise, you'd be hearing about
naked psychiatrist running rampant
in the streets.
(pauses)
But I'm tired. I'm tired of always
defending myself. I feel like that
Helen Reddy song "You And Me
Against the World." Except there is
no you, only me.
(pause)
So that's why I'm turning over a
new leaf.
(He then closes his eyes
again. He beings to hum
"YOU AND ME AGAINST THE
WORLD." HOLLY comes in.
She is dress like a sex
kitten, very much like
Ann Margaret from a 60's
film.)
HOLLY
(singing along with Verl.)
"You and me against the world,
sometimes it feels like you and me
against the world."
(Verl stops and turns
around quickly and looks
at Holly.She giggles and
flips her hair and
wiggles gaily. She then
walks over towards Verl
and sits on his lap,
stroking his hair and
flirting.)
VERL
Not now, Holly! It's not a good
time!
HOLLY
Hiya, stud puppet! I just saw Miss
MacInernie over at the Denny's
across the street. She said you
were here. So...how's my little,
whittle lump of boy butter today?
VERL
I'm very busy today, Holly. Your
timing is bad.
HOLLY
What's so important that we can't
spend sometime together, swivel
lips?
VERL
(searching)
I have...I have...I have an
important meeting and I can't be
bothered. Why are you here?!
HOLLY
What kind of meeting, love monkey?
Can I come? I love to...meet up
close and personal.
VERL
No. It's a business meeting. And
you don't know anything about
businesses.
(Verl pushes Holly off of
him, but she pushes him
back down and sits on his
lap again.The INTERVIEWER
then comes back out
again. She carries the
same file folder and sits
across Verl. The
INTERVIEWER is oblivious
to Holly. Holly sees her
and smiles slyly.)
HOLLY
(giggles)
Oh, I know about all your business,
hung bucket. Maybe I can be of
some assistance?
VERL
(whispers)
Holly, I'm at a job interview.
It's important, very important that
I remain focused and direct.
INTERVIEWER
So, Verl. I must once again
apologize for these intrusions. I
usually don't conduct business this
way.
HOLLY
I just bet, you slut monger!
VERL
(quickly to INTERVIEWER)
Oh!!!! Um. I... need this job
badly. I must concentrate and have
no interruptions.
HOLLY
But I helped you that one time,
remember? And I think someone
liked it!
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
VERL
(In sheer horror)
Oh, Um, I said, I really think...I
could be good. For you. I mean,
good for the job. I concentrate
with no interruptions...on the job.
(Holly then tweaks Verl's
nipples.)
Ouch!
(Verl and the INTERVIEWER
both jump at his yelp.)
HOLLY
That's not what you said, Verly.
INTERVIEWER
(confused)
I'm sorry, but I didn't catch that.
(she studies him a moment)
Do you have a cramp or something?
VERL
No, no. I...yes, yes. A cramp.
It's a cramp. In my foot.
(he bends over, takes off
his shoe and begins to
rub his foot.)
INTERVIEWER
Let me see. I might have some
aspirin in here.
(The INTERVIEWER then
leans down behind the
desk, as if she is
looking for the aspirin
in a bottom drawer.)
VERL
(whispering to Holly.)
And I didn't get that job. And
your help had that poor man so
flustered he didn't know whether to
run or hide. I don't think he
appreciated me sitting on his lap
and giving him wet willies.
HOLLY
(sing song)
Oh, I don't know. I know he was
happy to see you.
(grabs his crotch)
Especially after you found out he
didn't have a nun in his pocket.
VERL
A nun in his pocket?!
HOLLY
Oops! Nun? I mean gun. I always
get nuns with guns confused. Ever
since "Saint What's It's Face"
grammar school when you broke
Sister Marguerite's final straw
after you drew crayon pictures of
the Saint's private parts on the
stain glass windows. And she was
yelling..."God damn it, you little
shit, I must stop the work of
Satan!"
VERL
Just never mind that! Besides,
That was a long time ago! I was
seven years old. A naive child
with a curious, creative mind. My
innocence was running a-muck.
HOLLY
A Fuck! Goodness! You sure
started young! A little guy with
an active wee-wee!
VERL
(covers his ears quickly
and closes his eyes
tightly.)
Oh my gab-lab-ling-sham
glumb,Holly! I didn't
say...that...vile word! You know
me better than that! Would you
please watch your foul, truck
driver, Little Debbie eating, Swiss
Cream soda slurping mouth!
HOLLY
That's you, not me. I hate Little
Debbie. I think she's a
(the two look at each
other quickly.)
W-i-t-c-h. Besides, I didn't mean
it that way! It's just what I
thought I heard you say, that's
all!
VERL
Fine, whatever. But just promise
me, Holly, that you will leave me
alone until I'm done with the
interview.
She gets pouty like and gets off of Verl's lap.
HOLLY
Well, ok then. But can we go to
the Dairy Queen later on?
Afterwards maybe? I think that boy
with the paper hat and red, shiny
spots on his face is cute as a
Hostess Cupcake!
VERL
(hesitantly)
Um...I don't think that's such a
good idea. The last time he
started crying and wanting his
paper cap back. I think you came
on to forcefully and scared him.
HOLLY
Oh, no! He was just shy! That's
all!
VERL
All right! I'll think about it.
Just let me be until I'm done with
this interview!
HOLLY
Promise?
VERL
I promise...that I'll think about
it. Now you have to skedaddle!
(The INTERVIEWER then pops
up with a jar of aspirin.
She lets out a deep sigh
and has a look of relief
after her hunt.)
HOLLY
Sure enough, hot stuff! I'll see
you afterwards, you burly,curly,
Verly man!
(she blows him a kiss,
giggles and then looks
over at the Interviewer.)
(flatly)
I bet she stuffs.
(Holly exits.)
INTERVIEWER
Here you go. Oh! I'm sorry. Let
me get you some water! It's not
good to take those dry. They can
lodge in you're throat and you can
choke. And I'm afraid I don't know
the Heiniken maneuver. I'll be
right back.
(She exits. Verl turns
again to the audience.)
VERL
Jupa-clacka! That was a close one!
(pauses, thinking to
himself. He looks back
towards the door again
before speaking to the
audience.)
People get in trouble because of s
e-x. I mean, I've gotten into
sticky situations because of it.
It surrounds us. Commercials,
movies, magazines, Sears
catalogues, sporting events, Smog
Stations...
(pause)
I am not a big fan of s-e-x. It
gets messy and the lust bug stops
after 20 minutes. Alright, 10
minutes. Fine! Three! And then
everyone gets all upset and runs
around yelling "Oh, no! I've just
had s-e-x! I've just cooled my
loins of passion! Oh, no!" Or, "I
was drunk and on smack while
wearing tight shoes and I didn't
mean to sleep with that person!"
(pauses)
S-e-x goes two ways. Either people
brag about it all the time or they
flip out about it.
(pauses)
You don't believe me? How about I
throw out some seductive words that
aren't meant to be seductive at you
and we'll see just what type of
reaction we get...kind of a science
experiment thingy. Ready?
(Verl looks out about the
audience.
He then flatly delivers
the following words
except for "Sally Field".
He mumbles her name under
his breath.)
Underwear...Totsie Pops...Cheese
Whiz...Sally Field...KY
jelly...orange
juice....Saab...Marine Corp...Greg
Brady...Sally Field...the U.S.
Men's Olympic Curling team...Tonka
trucks...Sally Kellerman...West
Virginia...Saint Leviticus...pork
bellies...Sally Field.
He stops for a moment and gives the audience a telling look.
VERL
See? You're all very hot under the
collar now, aren't you? It's all
subliminal, you know. Kraft Foods,
The Miracle Whip people, secretly
put "those words" into our heads
and when we see them or hear of
them- BANG, you're having s-e-x.
Holly, I feel, is a victim of these
subliminal messages. It's just
that her heart is in her floral p-a
n-t-i-e-s.
(pauses)
That's why I've become a
Republican. We don't have sex. At
least not with each other.
Republican's don't like other
people having sex either. They
only allow it if they are
procreating. I know this because
Mr. Falwell, Mr. Lott, Mr.
Ashcroft, Mrs. Bush, the second
one, not the first one, the first
Mrs. Bush, she LOVES s-e-x. You
can tell just by looking at her.
Any woman who looks like she can
make a wicked apple pie, means she
loves it. But she's really a
closet Democrat. But all these
Republicans announced there
feelings about s-e-x on national
television. They wouldn't announce
that if it wasn't correct,right?
Maybe it's wasn't regular
television, maybe it was on cable,
Larry King, I think.
MISS MACINERNIE
And one time on Nick At Nite during
"The Jefferson's", dear.
VERL
Correct! And they were so angry
about s-e-x that one would have no
choice but to believe they were
right! Elinore, I believe, is what
they call A-s-e-x-u-a-l. A person
who has no genitalia or if does
have genitalia, doesn't use it
properly. And her aggressive and
brashness stem from the confusion
of not knowing what to do with her
private p-a-r-t-s.
(pause)
But I need to focus. And get my
mind off f-u-c-k-i-n-g and shabla
goblink thoughts and put all my
energy into this interview.
Verl again closes his eyes and begins to hum a mantra. Miss
Macinernie appears. This time she comes out a hair brush and
hair spray.
MISS MACINERNIE
Here you are, Verl, dear heart.
Freshly pressed with little or no
starch. Just the way you like it.
(she then pulls out a
douche bottle and hands
it to Verl.)
Oh, and this!
VERL
(taken back)
What on earth?! What is that?
MISS MACINERNIE
So you won't have to worry about
being fresh!
VERL
(confused)
I'm not getting this, Miss
MacInernie.
MISS MACINERNIE
Well, you can't exactly put a stick
of Right Guard up there!
(pauses and then reflects)
Or can you? I have heard of people
who can shove...
VERL
(cutting her off)
This is too confusing!
(he hands her back the
douche)
Here. Thank you but I don't think
I'll be needing...that.
MISS MACINERNIE
Okey-dokey, then. But are you sure
you don't want to put it in your
pocket in case you change your mind
later on?
VERL
No. But thank you. It's a...very
kind and...sweet gesture. The last
time I did that it popped open on
the bus and dripped all over this
Korean woman. And I don't want
that ever to happen again! She
wasn't a happy camper about her
fresh fish smelling like vinegar.
MISS MACINERNIE
All right then, you know best. And
most importantly, you know
yourself! And that's a sure sign
of confidence.
(pauses)
I know what! Why don't we, to get
you relaxed, play our "special"
song. That always gets you in the
right frame of mind. Whaddaya say?
It worked in the pass, right?
VERL
(hesitantly)
No. Not really.
MISS MACINERNIE
Oh, c'mon, don't be such a grumpy
monkey. What could it hurt?
Right?
VERL
Well...Ok. Anything is worth a
try. So I guess it could only
help.
Miss Mac takes out a small transistor radio out a vanity
case. She turns it on and Gordon Lightfoot's "The Sinking of
The Edmund Fitzgerald" plays. She then takes out a mirror.
She begins to brush Verl's hair. She does this somewhat
roughly. She stops, sees something and begins to pick his
head like a mother baboon. She then spits on his head and
presses down to smooth his hair down. She hands him a
mirror. He takes it and they both look into it together.
MISS MACINERNIE
(baby talk)
Who's that pretty boy? Who's that
pretty boy? Whooo is dat? I know
he is just he prettiest! Isn't he
just the prettiest? Yes, he is,
yes he is.
VERL
(bashfully with broad
smile)
Miss MacInernie, stop, you're
embarrassing me.
MISS MACINERNIE
Never be embarrassed by love
handles.
VERL
I don't consider spitting on my
head an act of love.
(slight pause)
Though I have had worse.
MISS MACINERNIE
(singing B.T.O.'s YOU
AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET)
"Any love is good love, so I took
what I could get and then I looked
into her big brown eyes and she
said, you ain't seen nothing
yet...yeah, baby, you ain't seen
nothing yet."
VERL
(confused)
Isn't that song about contracting
vernacular disease from a h-o-o-k-e
r?
MISS MACINERNIE
No! It's about a little lovin'
with a splash of penicillin!
VERL
You mean clap.
(Miss MacInernie gaily
claps her hands and
begins singing IT'S A
HARD KNOCK LIFE from the
musical ANNIE.)
MISS MACINERNIE
"It's a hard rock life, for us!
It's a hard rock life, for us!
VERL
Stop that! That's a horrible song
and that's not even the right
words! Besides it brings back such
awful memories of the orphanage for
me!
MISS MACINERNIE
Dear, you're weren't an orphan.
VERL
Oh...well, I wanted to be!
MISS MACINERNIE
Wanting to be and being are two
very different animals, sweetie.
VERL
Well, if it wasn't that then, maybe
I wanted to be a little red headed
girl.
MISS MACINERNIE
No. You wanted to be Olivia Newton
John, dear. But she wasn't a red
head. Or a real blond.
VERL
I did? I wanted to be her?
MISS MACINERNIE
So much so that you went so far to
only eat Fosters Ale and kangaroo
meat.
VERL
Well, it's a good thing that I
didn't want to be someone British.
Did you ever see those peoples
teeth?
MISS MACINERNIE
Dreadful, aren't they? But now,
you must really have some time on
your own. You need to breath,
focus and gather your thoughts for
your big party.
VERL
Party? You mean interview, right?
MISS MACINERNIE
Party, interview, they're all the
same.
VERL
(looking towards the door)
And what is taking so long?
MISS MACINERNIE
(She smiles warmly at
Verl. She then throws her
arms around him and hugs
him tightly.)
It's only been five minutes, dear.
Be patient.
(she pauses and then
gushes)
I feel as if I'm sending you off
for your first day of school.
(she gets choked up and
then flees. Verl then
turns and goes back to
the audience.)
VERL
Sometimes I don't give people the
benefit of the doubt. I'm finding
that communication is a very
difficult thing. Something gets
lost in the flight pattern from
mouth to ear. I believe that they,
other people, are just going to cut
me off at the pass and not give me
the slightest chance to explain.
At least that happens to me. But
today, I feel that is all going to
change. I mean, it has to, right?
My life cannot just stay on the
same course. It cannot continue on
the straight and narrow road filled
with pot holes. It has to change.
And I have to re-pave that road.
Fill in the pot holes. Clear away
the road kill. And one thing that
Miss MacInernie said to me, a long
time ago, is...
MISS MACINERNIE
We are the controllers of our own
place mats.
VERL
We, ourselves, are the only ones
who can control this road more or
less traveled. To take the
steering wheel and turn it in the
right direction.
(pauses)
Then why is it that I'm always
turning left when I should be going
right? Maybe my blinker is broke
and no one can see when I'm making
a turn. Maybe I need to get my
tires rotated. Because people look
at me like I just blind sided them.
(The INTERVIEWER then
comes back in with a
glass of water. She is
over heated and looks
frazzled. She takes a
gulp and begins to
compose herself.)
INTERVIEWER
Oh my! I had to go all the way
over to 25th and Elm! I had
forgotten that the city has shut
off the water on this block for the
day. And climbing 16 floors since
the elevators are out isn't any
help either!
VERL
That's odd. I rode the elevator up
here and it was working just fine.
(She freezes. Then the
interviewer looks at Verl
puzzled.)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, this is turning out to be some
day. Excuse me a moment.
(She exits.)
Verl then lets out a deep sigh.He
sits for a moment and he looks
peaceful. BIG BOB then appears.
He is wearing a black trench coat,
sunglasses and a fedora. He talks
in a deep, low, raspy voice.
BIG BOB
Freak.
Verl turns around and gasps. He then runs to the furthest
end of the desk and cowers. Big Bob walks towards the stool
slowly and kicks it. Verl lets out a yelp.
BIG BOB
There's nothing to fear except fear
itself. And that's...me.
VERL
No! This isn't happening!
Please...get out!
BIG BOB
(smiling)
C'mon on, tiger. I won't hurt you.
Ya stupid...dork butt! If you'd
like, you can hurt yourself.
VERL
Why are you doing this? And now?
Why?
BIG BOB
Because my hate for you is
delicious.
(slight pause)
Dumb a-s-s, you still don't get it,
do you? I'm not doing anything.
Your doing it all yourself.
Haven't you figured that out by
now? Or are you just too stupid?
VERL
Please, just go away! The
interviewer will be back at any
moment and you can't be doing this,
now. You can't! I won't let you!
BIG BOB
I can't make you do anything you
don't want to do.You know that.
VERL
This isn't fair! I didn't ask for
this!
BIG BOB
You're the only one who can do
anything about it. But as long as
you "choose" not to, I'll always be
here.
VERL
That's not true! I've tried!
BIG BOB
No. You haven't, butt nugget.
Otherwise....
(Big Bob pulls out a
knife. He walks slowly
towards Verl. Verl just
stares with horror at the
sight of the knife. Bob
just holds it in front of
Verl with a wicked grin.)
VERL
I...can do this. I can get over
this and move on. AND WITHOUT YOU,
BOB.
BIG BOB
Sweet, sweet, stupid, Verl. How
many times have I heard this little
song and dance? But whenever you
get close, you always come a
knockin' at my door. Which leads
me to believe that you do need Big
Bad Bob around.
VERL
Not this time. I don't want you
around...any more. You are not
needed.
BIG BOB
All right. But think about it.
You just go ahead and think about
it. You know it would make things
so much easier. And you wouldn't
have to deal with the pain any
more. Or people laughing at you.
Or failing. Or all the
embarrassments.
Sometimes, it really is better this
way. Besides, she hates you. I
can tell.
Verl stares at the knife with fear. He then pushes it away.
He gets up and walks away from Big Bob.
VERL
You've always been the one who's
gotten in the way with everything
I've tired to accomplish. Well,
that's not totally true, but you've
been the one to hold me back the
most. But this time, it's
different. I can feel it. I can
really feel it this time. And
nothing, or nobody can stop me.
Big Bob smiles. He then lets out a chuckle.
BIG BOB
Whatever you say, Verl. But when
you get to that painful,
humiliating, crunch time. It's
either me, or you'll pee your
pants. Again. And they'll just
keep laughing at you.
Big Bob then slowly exits. Verl pulls himself together
VERL
(standing up from the
chair)
Now is the time when I have to say
"enough is enough." All your bad,
negative thoughts, words and lies
can't control me and my
destination. I'm standing up.
(he sits)
That's what I'm going to do.
That's what I have to do.
Otherwise, there might not be
another chance.
(slight pause)
I know...that Big Bob is right.
But I also know that I have the
choice to either move on and live
my life the way I want. Or let him
get the best of me. I'm beginning
to believe that there is no such
thing as a happy medium. Well,
except at carnivals and school
bazaars.
Verl then straightens his suit, smooths his hair and then
stares intensely straight ahead out above the audience. He
pause a few moments, closes his eyes begins his mantra.
VERL
I will not muck this up, hing-yaw.
I will not muck this up, hing-yaw.
I will not muck this up, hing-yaw.
I will not smuck this up, hing-ya.
(pause)
No, wait. I will not muck this up,
hing-ya.
(under his breath)
That's it, that's it. I will not
much this up much, hing-ya.
(pause, becomes
frustrated.)
Oh, scruba-shing-lukie! OK, focus
now, Verl, focus! You can do this.
(he begins yet again.)
I will not muck this up, hing-yaw.
I will not much this up, hing-ya.
(pause, focuses harder.)
Owwwww...dan-dibbler, sheba! F-u-c
k it all to double tooth pricks!
(Verl then slaps his hand
over his mouth. He has a
look of terror on his
face.)
Bad word, bad word, bad word. Take
it back, take it back, take it
back.
(He then spins around
three times and claps his
hands. He is breathing
heavily.)
There. All better. All better,
now. All gone, adios.
Holly then tip-toes from around the corner. She is now
wearing a baby doll pajama out fit with spike heels. She
watches Verl composing himself. After a few moments, she
lets' out a sigh.
VERL
Holly! I'm not finished yet!
(looks towards the door)
I told you that I would think about
going to the Dairy Queen later!
HOLLY
(baby talk)
Horny, now.
VERL
There is a time and place for
everything. And this is not the
time nor will it be the place.
HOLLY
(still in baby talk voice)
But I want it...nooowwww. I can't
wait. You know when I get a
hankering' for some nookie, that I
got to get me some or I get
all...all...something. Ya got a
dreamscicle?
VERL
No. Now you need to control
yourself. Take some Comtrax or
viagra or something. That might
calm you down.
HOLLY
I'm just wanting some hot man
loving. And it's been awhile since
I got any sweet, pulsing,
throbbing, hot, steamy, sweaty,
pulsing...
VERL
You said that one already! To get
this job? Don't you want me to be
a fulfilled, complete person in
society? To contribute something
to mankind? To make my mark?
HOLLY
I already made Mark. And he was
yum-dilly-icious! So much so that
I wanted...
(she begins to sing-or the
actual recording of MORE,
MORE, MORE by Andrea True
and does a little sex
dance.)
More, more, more! How do you like
it? How do you like it? More,
more, more! How do you like your
love?
VERL
STOP! That song is so degrading to
nymphomaniacs. Why must you behave
in such a lurid fashion?
HOLLY
I can't help it! I try, honest, I
do. But it's like this raging
hormone takes over my whole being
and there's not a thing I can do
about it. Got a drum stick?
VERL
NO! Now will you just try to
control yourself for Peter sakes!
HOLLY
(taken back)
What?
VERL
You heard me, missy. Take control
of yourself. Nobody appreciates
having someone throw themselves at
you like a two bit l-o-o-k-e-r!
HOLLY
Looker?
VERL
No! I mean HOOKER, you dumb Shem
lockie!
HOLLY
(shocked)
Why, Verly! Shem-lockie?! I never
heard you talk like this before!
VERL
See now! You made me swear. And I
don't appreciate people who force
me to speak in such a..way!
So...knock it off, will ya!
(Holly looks at Verl for a
moment with her mouth
opened and speechless.
Then she changes her tone
after a moment then goes
back to flirting. She
walks over to him and
begins to twirl his hair
with her finger.)
HOLLY
My, my, my Mister Verly, burly man.
I didn't realize that there was
such a wild animal underneath.
Grrrrrrrrr!
Verl slaps her hand. She jumps back in shock.
VERL
Stop that, h-u-s-s-y! There are a
few things you don't know about
me...I think. I mean, there are
going to be some changes. And
there are a startin' right now!
HOLLY
But, we have such fun! Why ruin a
good thing when you got it, baby.
Got any cool whip?
VERL
NO, NO and NO. This isn't working
any more, Holly. I'm tired of
making lewd advances at people that
I'm not even stimulated by. And
you just make a play for anything
that moves! But not this time.
I'm gonna get this job come h-e-l-l
or high water. You hear me?!
Holly takes a step back. She is pouting.
HOLLY
Maybe later, then?
VERL
No. No later. No Dairy Queen. No
Cool Whip. No w-e-t willies. No
more. Nada. Nine. Crease and
assist.
Verl then turns his back on Holly and plants his stance
firmly.
HOLLY
(hurt)
Well, all right then. I guess I'll
be seeing you around then.
VERL
(flatly)
Yeah, I guess.
HOLLY
(walking away slowly, she
turns and sings or the
actual recording of the
song.)
Remember...I'm just a love machine
and I don't work for nobody but
you.
VERL
Beat it! Bimbo!
Verl keeps focused and doesn't acknowledge Holly. She slowly
disappears into the dark. After a moment, Verl composes
himself.
VERL
Holly!
(Holly scampers back in
and looks at Verl. The
two take a moment.)
You...be good. Hear?
Holly smiles sweetly, then blows Verl a kiss. She exits.
VERL
(To audience, surprised
with himself.)
Wow. Holy Toledo in Omaha! That
was...really, really...wonderful.
I never stood up to anyone or
anyone before. I mean, Holly was
sweet and kinky and fun and s-l-u-t
y and stuff. But, well, it's just
not the same any more. It's like,
I don't need her to make s-e-x-u-a
l advances for me. I've...out
grown her. Or it. Or whatever
this or that was.
(slight pause)
You know what I mean? Not that I
needed any help, mind you. I can
be a d-a-r-n hottie when I want to
be. And all by myself too! But,
what I'm finding out is...that's
it's all about control. And taking
charge. And being...honest.
(slight pause)
But, gosh a go-go! I have been
with Holly for so long now. It's
like...saying goodbye to an old
friend or something, ya know?
(slight pause)
I think I will really miss her.
(slight pause)
Then again, she did embarrass the f
u-c-k out of me plenty of times.
Zowie did she ever!
(slight pause)
But then again, we did have some
real wild times, if you know what I
mean...wink-wink, nudge,nudge. Tee
hee and ha-ha.
(chuckles to himself)
But...it's behind me now. I don't
have to worry any more if I'm going
to stick my wet finger in some
strangers mouth, nose, ear or belly
button or worse yet, do some pelvic
gyration in front of a complete
stranger in the shoe department at
Lord & Taylor's. Shock value can
be entertaining but it doesn't get
anyone's attention. I mean it
does, but not in the right way.
(embarrassed grin.)
Never mind that, it's all behind me
now and you wouldn't believe it any
how if I told you.
Confidently and with pride
VERL
So. So. So, so, so, so...I think
I can do this. I think I can do
this. I think I can, I think I
can, I think I can...choo choo!
Hiya little engine!
(laughing at himself)
Um...that was just...a little joke.
Don't worry. I'm fine. Honest to
Pat, really. But if you will
excuse me for a moment, I need to
focus. And pull myself together
from...this new found glee.
(flatly)
And get a job.
(The INTERVIEWER then
enters again. She is more
disheveled and goes back
to her desk. She sits and
lets out a deep sigh.)
INTERVIEWER
Now, let's see, where were we? Oh,
yes? You're interview.
(She picks up the resume
again and begins to
read.)
Uh, huh. Hmmmm. Interesting.
VERL
Is there a question or something I
can answer for you?
INTERVIEWER
No. No, I think this answers it.
(The phone rings again and
she answers.)
Hello? Oh, my! What? What?
(she giggles)
But how does one do that?
(she then looks at Verl
blankly.)
Once again. Forgive me. But I
have to...
VERL
(finishing her sentence)
Take this call in the other room.
It's all right. I don't have any
other engagements.
INTERVIEWER
Thank you for your understanding.
I'll just be a moment.
(She pulls a magazine out
of her desk. It is a copy
of CAT FANCY magazine.)
Here. This should keep you
occupied for a moment. Please,
excuse me.
(she exits)
He smiles and begins to look
through the magazine before he
realizes it's a cat magazine. He
becomes horrified and tosses the
magazine back on the desk. He then
takes a deep breath and closes his
eyes. He takes in a deep breath
and and lets it out three times.
He then begins his mantra.
VERL
I will not muck this up, hing-yaw.
I will not muck this up, hing ya.
I will not muck this up, hing-yaw.
(he smiles brightly)
I will not muck this up,hing yaw.
(now cocky like)
I will not muck this up, hing yaw!
(slight pause, then with
excitement)
Sperkie-shotlickie and hot d-a-m-n!
I think I got it!
Elinore then appears. She has a wood stick and a pocket
knife. She stops and whittles the wood. Verl then hears
this and opens his eyes. He turns and looks and sees
Elinore.
VERL
(spooked)
Jesus, Mary and Joseph on a slow
boat to China, Elinore! You scared
the slim-yockie out of me!
ELINORE
(chuckling to herself)
You are such a butt face.
VERL
Excuse me? What is that suppose to
mean, "Miss Foul Mouth who needs
her mouth washed out with Camay
soap"?
ELINORE
They don't make Camay soap anymore,
moron-idiot boy from shit stain
fruit-of-the-loom underwear hell.
VERL
(sincerely)
They don't?
ELINORE
No, they don't. Ruler of the
stupid people.
VERL
(to himself, sadly)
Well, that's just a shame and a
half. It was such a nice soap.
(pulling himself together)
Never mind! What do you want NOW,
Elinore? I thought I told you I
was busy. Or does the cat got your
ear?
ELINORE
What? That was stupid!
Elinore then blurts out a snort. She shakes with laughter
but cannot be heard.
VERL
(sincerely)
Are you laughing or are you
coughing up a golf ball?
ELINORE
Hah! Very funny, mental moron,
'tard head.
VERL
Don't call me that! And from now
on you are to address me and them
as the "mentally challenged" and
not retards! Hear me?!
ELINORE
Why? What's the difference?
VERL
(flatly and firmly)
Because it's disrespectful. And
rude. And it hurts peoples
feelings. And by saying that, you
sound like someone who hasn't got a
brain, because if you did have a
brain, you'd be dangerous.
ELINORE
Geez, what's eating you?
VERL
You are. And every other unfeeling
idiot in the world. You know what?
Bullies like you bite the big o-n
e. And are a bore.
ELINORE
Ok, Ok, take it easy. No harm
done. Buddy.
VERL
I'm not your buddy. And because of
you, I don't have any either.
Thank you Mister Ka-Ka-Shugalit.
ELINORE
What the hell did you just say?
VERL
Never mind! It's a swear word.
But I don't feel like stooping to
your below level to explain it.
The two stare each other down for a moment. Elinore becomes
uncomfortable and tries to act otherwise.
VERL
So. I guess I'll see you later.
ELINORE
(beings to exit.)
Yeah, see ya later.
VERL
Or not.
Elinore stops and studies Verl for a moment. She sees he is
serious. She then exits while Verl watches with firmness.
She exits. Verl then catches himself.
VERL
Elinore!
(She comes back into the
room.)
(heartfelt)
Thank you.
ELINORE
(she smiles warmly.)
You hang tough, kid.
She exits.
VERL
What the h-e-c-k is going on? This
is so very strange. And wonderful.
(slight pause)
Who is this person?
(he waits for an answer
from the audience.)
I'm serious, who is this person?
Did Miss MacInernie put some kind
of magic antidote in her spit that
is now seeping through my scalp?
(slight pause)
It's amazing. I never thought I'd
have it in me. I'm standing up to
myself!
(sits down, becomes
nervous)
Can I maintain this after my
interview?
(slight pause)
I'm in charge, now. I can beat the
odds and get the dream job I've
always wanted. Well, ok, maybe
it's not my dream job. I find
pornography to be very boring after
the first five minutes. And I
don't believe people really make
those...sounds...like purring.
(slight pause)
It would be so nice to hold down a
job for awhile and not get fired or
thrown out of a building.
(he freezes suddenly and
stares blankly as if
paralyzed)
You know, my dream job has always
been to write children's books.
No, not books like that goofy Harry
Reems orphan character who's like a
Mister Wizard or something.
(delighted)
Standing up to myself!
(slight pause)
Those pesky internal injustices.
Did something, somewhere, somehow,
at sometime, happen on the road to
forming yourself? Did somebody,
somewhere say something bad or
wrong and you choose to believe it?
Or do you let whatever voices in
your head get the best of you? But
to be honest, I can't remember who
did or didn't do what. It's not
important anymore.
(slight pause)
There's a shit load of those self
help books now for grown ups. "I'm
Ok- you're the Village Idiot"
stuff. And on and on and on...good
grief, just give me that good old
fashioned Charlie Brown philosophy.
Now that, I can understand.
(discovery)
Wait a minute! Do you remember?
"Horton Hears a Who?" No one
believed him either!
(slight pause)
We're all a little like Horton.
And that was even written by a
doctor!
(slight pause, smiles)
By the way. Did I just say "shit"?
Well, if I did...all I gotta say
is...tough "double" shit!
Verl turns confidently and walks to the other side of the
stage. The lights come up and a desk with a chair behind it
and a chair in front of it appears. Verl walks over to the
chair and takes a seat. He closes his eyes and breaths
deeply. He then begins to mumble under his breath.
VERL
I will not muck this up, hing-ya.
I will not muck this up, hing-ya.
I will not muck this up, hing-ya.
Screw Dianetics and L. Ron Hubbard.
He is a smuck, hing-ya. Read
Doctor Seuss, the Cat In The Hat
knows the rules, hing-ya.
The interviewer comes back in. She is adjusting her skirt.
Verl doesn't notice her. She stops for a brief moment and
looks at him. Her face at first has a surprised and
quizzical look, but then she develops a grin. She then
quietly walks over to her chair and takes her seat behind the
desk. He then opens his eyes. He sees her and freezes. She
then smiles warmly.
INTERVIEWER
I see that you were meditating. I
find that it helps me out a great
deal when I'm in a somewhat,
stressful situation.
VERL
You do?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes! I do it all the time.
Well, not out loud, mind you.
Well, that's not totally true, I
chant out loud when I'm alone.
Some people have an issue with
public chanting.
(The two pause and just
stare blankly at each
other for a moment.)
But, yes, I do like to meditate.
VERL
I'm just beginning...to toy with
chanting myself. So I'm a little
off.
INTERVIEWER
Absolutely. It's only natural. I
was in the same boat myself. It
takes time, but you'll master it.
VERL
(laughing it off)
I don't do it out loud in public!
Heaven's to Betty, no! I just
didn't hear you come in. If I did,
I would of surely stopped right
there on the d-a-m-n spot.
The two then laugh, then simultaneously, they both stop and
stare at each other.
VERL
Excuse me. I don't normally use
language like that. I don't know
how that slipped.
INTERVIEWER
You didn't swear. Spelling it
doesn't count.
VERL
It's doesn't?
INTERVIEWER
No, it doesn't. In fact, I find
that when I have to let out an
occasional cuss word or 8, that I
do so but in my own tongue. We all
have to release from time to time.
Everybody it does it in their own
fashion.
VERL
To be frankly honest, I feel that
using swear words or undesirable
language makes you a children of a
lessor person.
INTERVIEWER
I do too! That's why I developed
my own language. It confuses
people, but I think they get the
idea.
VERL
Could you...show me?
INTERVIEWER
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