WOMAN
                         It gets very tired, very fast. 
                         Just because I like to wear makeup
                         and a dress, I'm labeled a lipstick
                         lesbian.  I hate labels.  Well,
                         except on clothing.  They undermine
                         a person's worth.  Labels, I mean. 
                         Why can't I just be a lesbian?  Or
                         a woman who likes to shop and look
                         good?  Why put a label on it?  I
                         don't go around saying "that
                         straight skinny Jewish man with bad
                         taste in clothes."  Or that "
                         silly, Lutheran, Republican Asian
                         woman with bad hair".  I mean, I'm
                         damned in both worlds-and right
                         here in little ol' Austin!  Ya'll
                         see, straight men hit on me with
                         the old "you've never had the right
                         man, that's all." And other
                         lesbians tell me "you're selling
                         out to the straight concept of what
                         a woman should look like." I mean,
                         good lord in butter!  Do I have to
                         play softball and go to the Dinah
                         Shore Classic to be a gay woman? 
                         Do I have to wear flannel and work
                         boots so those nimrod straight guys
                         get the hint?  It's all so stupid. 
                         In the lesbian crowd, I'm a fem. In
                         the straight world, I'm a dyke. 
                         Lordy!  Can't I just be me?
                             (pauses, thinking to
                              herself)
                         I do like gay men, though.  They
                         know how to wear clothes.  And have
                         great teeth.  So does Anne McCauly. 
                         She's this straight woman who knows
                         how to wear Donna Karan.  Real
                         well.
                             (She gazes fondly at a
                              memory, then gets back to
                              her train of thought)
                         But it's all such nonsense.  I know
                         I confuse people--they think I'm
                         bisexual.  But, honey, I jumped
                         that fence a long time ago.  How
                         can you label a person's sexuality
                         by their clothes?  Maybe it's part
                         of human nature--straight cave
                         women wore leopard, while cro
                         lesbians wore mammoth. 
                         Or maybe it's a learned behavior--I
                         know that damned bitch Barbie had
                         to have affected me.  It's just a
                         shame I've always felt more like
                         Midge.
                             (new thought)
                         What I should really do is freak
                         everyone out and wear Birkenstocks! 
                         With a Tommy Hilfiger cotton dress
                         and an International Male bomber
                         jacket.  That would really throw
                         them off.  Or make me throw up. 
                         You see, I don't really care what
                         people wear.  As long as it looks
                         good on them.  And it fits
                         right...and isn't last season...
                             ("Cow Cow Boogie" by Ella
                              Mae Morris comes up. The
                              lights fade.)